So this whole thing started because Jen and I were scrolling through Netflix last Friday night, trying to pick something to watch. We landed on this rom-com where the couple had some weird tension about boundaries, and Jen just blurted out, “Man, how do people even talk about that stuff without wanting to die of awkwardness?” Boom. Lightbulb moment. I’d been mentally chewing on this topic since reading some relationship subreddit thread where everyone argued about mismatched libidos.
What Sparked This Practice
Monday morning over burnt toast, I just plunged in. Didn’t overthink it. Just said, “Hey, remember that Netflix thing Friday? Got me thinking… what does ‘being close’ actually mean to you? Like, is it just sex stuff or bigger?” She looked surprised but not freaked. We got interrupted by her work call, but later she texted: “For me it’s feeling safe to be weird. You?” Felt like cracking open a door.
The Actual Talk Setup
That night, I kept it low-pressure. No candles (too much), just tea on the couch after dinner. Started with my own dumb story: “Remember how I used to panic-buy condoms in college like they were contraband? Made me realize nobody ever told me how to even talk about using them.” She laughed. Didn’t feel like some therapy session.
We used these starters when things got quiet:
- “What’s one thing you wish you knew about this stuff before us?”
- “When did you first realize your parents’ views on sex were kinda messed up?”
- “Where’d you learn the most useful thing about your body? (Spoiler: mine was a library book hidden under my mattress)”
How It Actually Went Down
Took turns. Realized we both avoid talking about it because we’re scared of sounding “weird.” Jen dropped this bomb: “I need you to tell me if I’m rushing you. Silence feels like rejection.” Meanwhile, I’m over here thinking her silence meant she wasn’t into it. Total communication breakdown.
We made rules:
- No “shoulds.” (“People should want sex twice a week” = banned)
- If someone taps their knee twice? Pause button. No explaining needed.
- Flinch reactions get a 10-minute breather before revisiting.
Got messy when porn came up. My instant “I barely look!” defense? Total crap. Admitted I scroll when stressed. Jen actually nodded: “Same, but I feel guilty.” Weirdly bonding moment.
Surprise Takeaways
Talking about values accidentally fixed practical garbage. Example: I HATE morning sex (feels like gym class). Jen assumed I was just lazy. When I finally said it made me feel clumsy instead of close? She grinned: “Dude, mornings suck. Glad we both hate it.”
Key surprises:
- Found out our mismatched “drive” was actually terrible timing + awkward signals.
- Discovering Jen feels safest when I rant about my cooking fails after being intimate? Made zero sense to me. But hey, works.
- Realized “values” aren’t just serious stuff—it’s the weird inside jokes during, too.
Ended with zero grand conclusions. Just better questions. Like whether weird fantasies could actually work in real life without breaking the bed frame (jury’s still out).
My Messy Takeaway
We’ll keep doing this quarterly. Not because we’re enlightened, but because it’s like cleaning gunk from under the stove—ignore it too long, everything starts to stick. Next time? Starting with “What outdated rule about sex do you still secretly believe?” Mine’s that wanting it less means I love Jen less. Working on it.
Just… talk through the awkward. Peel it slowly. Find where it pinches. Laugh when it gets ridiculous. Saved us way more grief than any fancy date night ever did.