Have you ever noticed that there are always some guys around you who don’t seem to be too serious about their relationships, but can always win the hearts of girls easily? And those gentle, considerate, single-minded “good man”, but often treated as a spare tire?
This may not sound fair, but in reality it does happen. Why is this so? Is love really like a game, who masters more psychological skills, who can win?
Today, we’re going to talk about an interesting phenomenon in psychology – Stockholm Syndrome – and how it manifests and affects in love.
What is Stockholm Syndrome?
Doesn’t the term sound a bit strange? It actually comes from a real-life incident: in 1973, several kidnappers took four hostages during a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden. Surprisingly, after being held captive for a few days, the hostages began to sympathize with the kidnappers and even protected them during the police rescue.
Later, psychologists referred to this psychological state of “emotional dependence of the victim on the victimizer” as the Stockholm Syndrome.
However, this concept has also been used by many people to explain some strange emotional phenomena, such as: why do some girls like the kind of cold, hot and indifferent to their own boys?
Case Study: A Good Man’s Relationship Experience
Let’s look at a real-life example:
The first thing you need to know is that you’re a good guy. He is very good to his girlfriend Xiaomei, every day to take her to and from work, holiday gift never absent, and even the circle of friends are liked to her hair tired.
But after a long time, Xiaomei instead feel that Kai is too sticky, no opinion, and even think he is not attractive enough. Finally, she proposed a breakup, reasoning, “You’re too good to me, but I don’t have a heartbeat anymore.”
After the breakup, Kai was miserable, but he didn’t give up. He reflected on his own behavior, decided to make a change: no longer on her to have to answer, also began to dress up their own, and occasionally will deliberately “cold” her a little.
The result is surprising: the original left him Xiaomei, but began to take the initiative to contact him, but also in a party openly said: “He has changed a lot, feel more attractive.”
Eventually, the two came back together. And Kai also finally understood one thing: love is not just pay, sometimes, appropriate distance and mystery, but more stimulate each other’s emotional response.
Why are “bad boys” more attractive?
1. Mystery makes them more attractive
Often times, the easier someone is to get, the less likely they are to be cherished. Those who are always clinging to you and being obedient to you will make you feel like “he’s always there anyway”.
But “bad boys” are different. They don’t hang around you all the time, and they don’t listen to everything you say. Sometimes they show up, sometimes they disappear; sometimes they are gentle and considerate, sometimes they are cold and distant.
This kind of uncertainty makes you more curious about them and want to know more about them.
2. Being “abused” creates a sense of dependence
Wouldn’t you feel hurt when a guy treats you hot and cold and bullies you once in a while? Strangely enough, some people care more about them because of it.
This is because we subconsciously think, “If he treats me so special, it means he understands me.” Thus, we begin to rely on this emotional stimulus, even if it brings uncertainty and pain.
This is actually one of the manifestations of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships.
3. Being challenged inspires a desire to conquer
People have an instinct: the harder it is to get something, the more they want it. If a person is always nice to you, you may not particularly care. But if you realize that the person isn’t that approachable, you’ll instead think, “How do I get him to really like me?”
This kind of thinking will make girls unconsciously put more emotions and energy into trying to “conquer” the guy who is not easy to get close to.
So, are you a “good guy” or a “bad boy”?
When you read this, you may ask yourself: what kind of person am I in a relationship?
Is it the “good old man” who always pays for the other person and is afraid that the other person will be unhappy?
Or that let the other party can not guess, occasionally create a little conflict “naughty”?
Maybe you have had a similar experience: you like a person, to him / her very heart, but the other side is always if you leave, and even make you wonder if you are not where to do the right thing.
At this point, please remember one thing: **The real relationship, should not make you feel uneasy or aggrieved. **.
While the “bad boy” approach may be more appealing in the short term, in the long term, a healthy relationship requires mutual respect, equal communication and stable emotional support.
How do you avoid falling into a Stockholm Syndrome relationship?
1. Don’t lose yourself to please the other person
In a relationship, you can do a lot for the other person, but only if you don’t let yourself become less like yourself.
Don’t give up your principles and bottom line just because you are afraid of losing the other person. If a person is going to take advantage of you and neglect you because you are good, then the relationship is not worth continuing.
2. Give moderately and don’t wear yourself out
Relationships should be a two-way street. If you keep giving and the other person never responds, then sooner or later you will get tired.
Learn to control the way you express yourself and don’t be too eager and passionate. Give each other some space and let the relationship develop naturally, that’s the way to go.
3. Improve yourself and become more interesting
Whether you’re a man or a woman, the real attraction is never “nice” or “bossy”, but rather someone who is confident, purposeful and knows how to take care of his or her emotions.
You can start by looking good on the outside, but you can also work on your inner qualities, such as learning new skills and developing hobbies. When you become more and more attractive, others will naturally be attracted to you.
Summary: Love is not a game, but growth
Love does have certain psychological factors, but we can’t treat it as a “game” or a “competition”. Those who rely on hot and cold, play psychological tactics to maintain the relationship, often not stable enough.
The real good love, should be two people work together, mutual understanding and support process.
So, whether you are a “good man” or “bad boy” in the past, it is recommended that you try to be a more authentic self. Learn to express love and learn to protect yourself. Only in this way will you be able to meet the person who really understands you and cherishes you.