Alright so my cousin sends me this article about Tinder personality types last Tuesday night. Says it’s genius for finding your perfect match. I’m sitting there eating cold pizza thinking, “Fine. Let’s see what this magic guide actually does.” I open it up – first thing hits me? A freakin’ list.
The “Smart” Guide Steps
So the guide tells me to do this:
- First, screenshot literally every profile picture I see for a week straight. Every single one. Even the ones holding fish. Or posing with tigers. Or both.
- Then, I gotta stare at each photo and write down three stupid words that “pop into my head instantly.” Like, no thinking allowed. First gut reaction only.
- After a week? I have this messy pile of screenshots and scribbled words looking like a toddler’s art project.
Alright, done. My desk is covered in phone screenshots and sticky notes. “Adventure?” Check. “GymSelfie?” Yup. “MysteriousSmirk?” Sure. My god what a mess. Feels like useless junk.
Patterns? More Like Chaos
The guide swears patterns will emerge. Supposedly, these first-reaction words reveal my deep attraction triggers. Fine. I start grouping them:
- Half my scribbles say stuff like “Outdoors,” “Hiking,” “Beach.” Okay, guess I like nature people? Duh.
- Another chunk screams “Confident,” “Laughing,” “Fun.” Alright, positivity vibes.
- Then… a weird little group says “Quirky,” “WeirdHobby,” “UnicornShirt?” Who knew?
So the guide slaps a label on me: “The Outdoorsy Joy Seeker with a Quirk Tolerance.” Seriously? Sounds like a horoscope.
Rebuilding the Profile Disaster
Now the guide tells me to rewrite my entire Tinder profile based on this “type.” Needs to scream “Hey other Outdoorsy Joy Seekers, COME HERE!”
- My main pic switched to me muddy and grinning on some mountain trail. Authentic? Sure. Flattering? Meh.
- Bio went full nonsense: “Seeking fellow adventure-buddies who laugh loud and maybe collect weird socks. Sunshine & spontaneity required. Let’s get lost!” Cringe.
- I even added pics of my slightly embarrassing rock collection because why not embrace the “Quirk”?
My profile looked insane. Like a brightly colored bird doing a mating dance.
The Matches Roll In (Mostly Weirdos)
Swiped right for a few days. Guide promised “perfect partner” compatibility now.
- Got Lucy: Hiked Kilimanjaro six times. Messages only about trail difficulty ratings. Asked my opinion on waterproof socks. Nope.
- Then there was Dave: Sent 5 laughing selfies in a row. Proposed we “spontaneously” meet… at 3 AM… for gas station coffee. Pass.
- Sam seemed cool: Loved rocks too! Turned out only collected rare, expensive gems. Judged my pebbles. Blocked.
Zero connection. Just awkward conversations about gear or socks or minerals. Not one actual spark.
Epiphany Time: The Flaw
I’m sitting there, drinks on the floor, scrolling through Dave’s proposal for a sunrise interpretive dance session in a park, when it hits me. The guide’s massive flaw. It only matches me with… well… me.
Same vibes. Same energy. Same ridiculous interests. Where’s the balance? The interesting friction? The person who makes me say, “Huh, never thought of that”? The guide pushed me into a tiny box built of my own initial reactions. Of course it felt stale.
Real life isn’t about finding your clone. You need someone who complements you. Maybe balances your chaos with calm. Maybe challenges your ideas gently. That dumb guide forgot humans are messy. We need puzzle pieces that fit, not identical twins. Lesson learned. Back to the drawing board… and maybe deleting that unicorn shirt pic.