In our lives, sometimes encounter a particularly strange feeling: obviously the other party did not hit you, scold you, but you always feel uncomfortable, and even more and more difficult.This feeling, may not be you think too much, but you are experiencing a kind of psychological injury called “hidden abuse”.
Today we’re going to talk about this topic and find out what it is, why it happens and how it affects us.We’ll also tell you a real-life story to give you a better idea of how serious this kind of damage can be.
What is ‘hidden abuse’?
Simply put, “covert abuse” is when someone slowly hurts you psychologically through words or behaviors that don’t seem too serious.It’s not as obvious as hitting, but the damage is just as deep, if not deeper.
For example:
- The other person always ignores you as if you don’t exist;
- Obviously you are chatting, but what he says always makes you feel bad about yourself;
- Threatening you with breaking up or quitting your job, so that you can only listen to him;
- Deliberately not telling you something important, making you feel ostracized;
- Always criticizing you, no matter what you do you can’t meet their requirements.
These behaviors don’t seem like a big deal on the surface, but if they happen over a long period of time, they can cause people to become anxious, have low self-esteem, and even wonder if there’s something wrong with them.
Why do some people do this?
Many people may ask, “Why do some people like to treat others this way?”In fact, these people often have problems of their own.They are not inherently bad, but have been negatively influenced in some way while growing up.
For example:
- Having been similarly victimized as a child
Many people with this behavior were treated in a similar way by their parents or teachers as children.They didn’t realize it was wrong, so they grew up and used it on others. - Very weak and insecure inside
Some people are actually very unsure of themselves, and in order to feel better about themselves, they go out of their way to put others down and control them as a way to gain a little bit of superiority. - Bad family atmosphere
If a person grows up in a family where there are frequent quarrels and cold wars, he may also get used to dealing with interpersonal relationships in a cold or aggressive way. - Social and cultural influences
In some environments, this kind of behavior is considered “normal”, for example, leaders speak meanly to their subordinates, elders ignore their juniors, and so on.As time goes by, people get used to it.
A real-life example
Let’s look at a true story that happened in the workplace.
Adelaide (a pseudonym) is an employee who has been working for 8 years in a well-known company.Her boss, Mr. Zhang, seems to be very polite and cares about the development of his employees.But only she knew how depressing the job was for her.
Mr. Zhang would never directly say that she was not doing a good job, but he would always say, “This report is still so close.”“Your thinking can be optimized.”It sounded like a suggestion, but he didn’t say how to change it.
In meetings, Mr. Zhang often pointed out her mistakes in front of everyone, but always praised other colleagues.In private, he was also very cold to her, sometimes he interrupted her just when she opened her mouth to speak, or simply did not respond.
Over time, Edelweiss began to wonder if she was incapable, if she would never be able to do anything right.She became more and more anxious, couldn’t sleep at night, and had no appetite for food.In the end, she even thought about quitting and leaving the company.
In fact, her problem was not a lack of ability or bad luck, but that she had met an “invisible abuser”.
What are the consequences of hidden abuse?
Though you can’t see the wounds, hidden abuse can do a lot of harm to a person, and it may affect his or her body and life from the psychological point of view.
- Emotional deterioration
Being denied, ignored or suppressed for a long time can easily make a person become depressed, anxious and even experience post-traumatic stress.You will find yourself becoming less and less talkative and more and more afraid of dealing with people. - The body also starts to have problems
Emotional stress can affect your physical health.Many people are susceptible to illnesses because of their chronic stress and lowered immunity.It has also been found that such people have an increased risk of heart disease and high blood pressure. - Work performance is affected
When you live in uncertainty and denial every day, it’s hard to concentrate on things.Work efficiency becomes low and confidence is undermined, which may eventually lead to hopeless promotions and difficulty in changing jobs. - Deterioration of interpersonal relationships
People who have been implicitly abused tend to become sensitive, suspicious and prone to thinking of everyone else as an enemy.This negative emotion may affect the relationship between friends and family members, and make even those who were originally close become more and more distant.
What to do if you are experiencing this?
If you find yourself going through a similar situation, don’t blame yourself or feel that you are being too sensitive.You just need to learn to protect yourself.Here are some suggestions:
1. Make sure the problem exists first
Many times we comfort ourselves with the thought, “Maybe it’s just me overthinking things.”But if you’ve been feeling depressed and self-doubting for months on end, then the problem does exist.
It’s not your fault or that you’re not good enough, it’s the way the other person is acting that’s the problem.
2. Talk to someone for support
You can talk to a trusted friend or take the situation to your company’s HR department.If there is no one around who can help, you can also consider talking to a counselor.Professional help will give you more strength to face these issues.
3. Learn to set boundaries
You can try telling the other person, “I understand that you want me to do better, but I’d like you to give specific suggestions instead of just saying I’m not doing well.”Or protect your emotional space by reducing the frequency of contact with the other person when necessary.
4. Be prepared for a change of scenery if necessary
If you’ve done your best to communicate without improvement, it’s time to consider whether or not to remain in the situation.Sometimes a change of scenery can instead help you regain your confidence and happiness.
Just like Edelweiss, she finally found the courage to change to a new job after receiving counseling.Now she has not only regained her self-confidence, but also found someone who truly respects her.
Summarize
Hidden abuse is a kind of psychological harm that is not easy to be detected. It may appear in family, between friends, or hidden in workplace relationships.It can be found in family, friends, or in workplace relationships. It is characterized by the fact that it seems to be okay, but in reality it hurts deeply.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.If you see this kind of behavior around you, trust your feelings and be brave enough to make a change.
I also hope that more people will learn about this issue and stop letting it quietly hurt others.
If you’ve had similar experiences, feel free to share them in the comments section.We can talk together, support each other, and find a way out of this mess.
If you find this article helpful, please feel free to forward it to people around you.Let more people understand the “hidden abuse”, away from the harm, live out their true selves.